烦啊。。。

你就不能静一静么？？！！
真的很烦叻。。
我真的知道自己在干什么好不好。
难道你就不能行信任下我么。。
连这你都做不到。。

我真的觉得你真的很糟糕了。。
使我自己太失败还是其他问题。。
我不知道。。
太注重表面的东西，也只会让眼前的视线都模糊了。。
你可曾想过着问题么？？
应该没有吧。。
要不然你也不会整天对着我们大呼小叫的。。
我到底该如何做才好呢？/
真的是要我把自己更真实的画面表现出来给你看么？？
到时谁后悔呢？？

谁知道．．
没人给得了答案。。
你会希望我这样么？？
你要求的我已在尽量了。。
但你始终还是看不见。。
等到努力到灰心时。。
极限应该到了吧。。

很久没上来了..
又一个朋友去世了..
没履行了之前所给得承若..
他就先走了...
他的离开也之会严重的浇伤已印格的伤口..
伤口永远也不可能再复原...
能怪谁呢...
好友的那声指责,虽是伤了点..
但...真的点醒了自己..

在彷徨着什么。。
根本就不知道。。
或许他真的说对了。。
所有一切的一切又回到了原点。。
或许该有意义的都变得毫无意义了吧。。
我一直都只为了生活而生活。。
是因为换太多环境了？？
已让我无力再继续走下去了。。
真的觉得。。
一直以来。。
从来都没真正踏实的活过。。
朋友换了又换。。
生活方式换了又换。。
可能外表看起来比任何人都坚强。。
但比人何人脆弱的或许也是我。。
自己无法handle的事越来越多了。。
不久的以前。。。什么事都必须自己来。。
转校什么的。。老师都得自己找。。
不久的将来。。。什么事都无力去做了。。
时间越长。。越想要自己办到的。。
都无法做到了。。
朋友对我来说真的无所谓么〉〉
或许是。。或许不吧。。。
朋友换了又换。。。
从来都不期望从他们身上得到任何关心。。
只因不想受到伤害。。
因为从前的期望。。换回来的却是伤痕。。
彷徨舍。。
自己跟本就不清楚。。。
前方的目标是有的。。
但对于我来说却是越来越磨糊了。。
什么叫做快乐。。
好像很久都没能和它相遇了。。
笑不代表快乐。。
这点我很清楚。。
但清楚又如何。。
是悲观么。。。
或许不是吧。。。
或许如他所说。。。
压郁已久的情绪已到顶了吧。。
剩下的只有窒息了。。
生活厌倦了么〉〉
或许吧。。。。
或许我真的需要休息了。。。
真正的休息。。。

frenz..

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

wondering...

wondering will anyone read this blog again...
hope they won't...
hah!!
he is right!!
maybe smile doesn't means that u r happy...
just like me...
such a long time hasn't be cheerful....
everyday's happiness is just a fake..
tired......of...it...
frenzs r just....

hah...memory is just beautiful...

hah...
mybe le was wrong bout it..
i was not in any group at all..
i am not belong to either his group or another group..
i'm just myself...
there's nothing much to think bout that...
his words make my brain blank out..
maybe it's just nothing..
sad?? disappointed?


maybe they r right in their choice..

everytime i went out with them
i was the first who needed to go back home early...
sometimes really can see disappointed face ...
really dun wan such scene to occur anymore..
so it's the best way not to go out with them...

i take very serious of my responsibility in family...
maybe just take it too serious..
i'm the eldest in the family....
last time went out too frequently with them..
until i almost forgot about my responsibility..
haiz...
sometimes just dunno what to do..
since i moved here...
i was out too frequently..
unlike last time..
i won't go out with my frens..
maybe it just make it differrent..
sometimes really felt sorry for myself..

haiz...
maybe i really need to be my previous self..
it's just more suit me..
i think...

only thing i can do is pray for u..

again...
heard such sad news again...
y such terrible thing always happens among ppl around me..
he just same age with me...
how he can accept such crucial fact...
strong heart with him which i will nv have..
what else i can do for him...
wondering whether i should phone him later....
first is him.. then my grandpa...then my another grandfather..
he recovered at first..
no body will think that it will spread..
until now...
99% of lung cancer..
my grandpa..
past away in the end....
previous sadness flood through me again..
i have always try to forget bout such sadness..
now...
i dun really think i really can make it..
grandfather...
i think rcover already..
through what i heard from parents' conversation..
but..
no body can ever predict what will hapen..
like grandpa...
.
. .
. .
...

birthday presents...i dun wan...

y didn't they ever listen to me leh??!!!
told them so many times not buying me birthday present liao...
ai....
if i know it earlier...
i'm not going to cs la...
han is like that...
lin is like that...
le is like that...
yi is like that..
what's wrong with everybody???
isn't it good not to waste money??
they r not rich either...
really dunno what they r thinking of..
if han din say such thing to me...
i won't even say i like any of those present...
ai......
today spent almost half day preparing qin n xing's birth. presents..
still haven't complete it yet ar....
haven't buy the snacks yet...
shit....
buy it tomolo..
today no mood to buy..
cux of my mum...
boring boring boring day...
done nothing either..
now...
scaring me is next week...
i really dun feel like wanna go to school on tuesday...
what am i gonna to do???!!!!!!
can anyone save me???!!!
xing!!!!! qin!!!!
i dun really like any of such scene la!!!!!!!

tired day

math tuition...
muet tuition...
it's just so unlucky!!!
my car nearly broke down b4 going to math tuition...
ai....
old problems......
got to trouble han to fetch me back to tuition from the mechanic's place...
i'm such a troublesome la..
ai....
so suprised when we found out qin was at han's house...
nnn...
we all came out at night...
to mc donald again..
haha..
they sent pics to xing again.....
haha...
what a .... of frenzs...
qin change already....
not so much of talking now...
maybe just dun have the same common topic..
he didn't feel like wanna talk much..
wondering when will he read this blog..

7*7=49

huh...
what a day...
rush back from mersing.....
relatives seems to recover from the sadness already...
only my uncle....
look into his eyes..
really can deeply felt his sadness..
god...
he really can't let go...
ai...
am i also??
i dunno....
things of grandpa just couldn't put it away..
even my hp's wallpaper..
i din even wish to change it...
cousin put the same pic with me...
maybe we just miss him too much....
he's really so..
ai.....
still can felt the sadness though i 'm away from mersing already...
no mood to chat with ppl..
ai...
just wan to be alone..
gone to the popular's sales..
brought some books n cds..
han miss called me so manny times...
at last ...
i phoned him back..
really felt sorry to him for purposely not to received his call...
lin han n yi later came to look for me after they arrived..
i can't even smile at them..
...:-(
showed improper attitude to lin...
sorry for her...

happy holiday

god.....
what a different feeling for this trip....
with different frens....
just not bad.......
hehehe...
huh..
get to improve my relationship with frens...
that's the best part.....
ha!!!
first day..
we had to to the tentera udara diraja malaysia...
hah!!!
took many photos of the plane there...
wow...
gave me a lot of new knowledge o....
not bad what...
hehehe...
as for the dong fang ri bao...
it's ok...
just excited to see how's the management in that newspaper...
god!!!
every reporter got its own computer or laptop...
there no need to wear uniform...
wow....
creative department is most interesting la...
get to see how they design theadvertisement...
hah..
i captured some of my coolest pic!!!
so happy with it!!
my team win the first price hahah...
for the sand castle!!!
so happy!!!
unfortunately..
shit....
two frenzs nearly drown in the pool...
what an unexpected...
teacher din even know bout that....
ai....
dunno where's his responsibility gone to...
ai...
scared by them la....
though i know how to swim...
it's just scare when u think of that they may drown..
n just die like that lo...
ai....
really shit la..
i'm their saviour...
what a satrical word...
dun really feel proud of it...
ooo..
yeah...
we r so lucky that we got the chance to release 3 little cute turtles...
hehehe...
just so cute...
there r so many at the turtles' centre...
that's the first time i slept at the feri without any bed n sheld also... through out the cool night...
haha
different experience...
so cool for the air through out that night...
many got complains bout that...
especially xiong..
first time gone into the gamble centre...
learnt something o...
what a trip!!!!
heheh

thxs frenz....i appreciate it..

han...n lin...
mmmm....
never wish to troble u 2 to send me back home la...
just dun like to trouble ppl...
haiz.....
just like yi said ..
y dun i just wait at the school gate...
hehehe...
i had already think about that earlier la...
haha...
i even thought that wan to change the road back home la..
it just sounds so stupid la...
he always need to send other ppl ....
just dun wan to trouble him la..
i always say no to him...
then he seems like wan to beat me....
haiz....
bored!!!! bored!!!! bored!!!
at school.....

no mood to school

back to school again...
no mood for it...
no mood to talk to ppl..
gone to the library quietly....
just wan to be alone....
looks like...
my frens..r worried bout me...
they look around for me
finally at the library...
i'm so touch..
but i was just very tired then....
i was not purposely to make them worry...
they won't listen to me when i asked them to go back for the lesson..
i m glad to have them as my frenz....
such caring frenz..
done nothing for the whole day...
back at home..
whole family slept like pigs...
we r so tired for the previous day...
haiz...
day just passed like that....
wonder how's grandpa's days pass....
anybody know???

at last...

this is the last thing that we can do for u....
hope u will satisfy.....
bless us when u are up there....
i will always remember how funny u r...how friendly u r...
how childish u r...
how lovely u r....
for the tioman trip..
i will never forget...
for getting my driving lesson ...
i will never forget..
for the nasi dagang u always bought for me..
i will never forget..
the time when u always take me around with ur motorbike...
i will never forget...
the tune u always hung...
the song u always sang..
i wil never forget...
for the big stomach u had..
i will never forget...

sad...sad...sad...

cried in the car when i haven't reach u then...
sad...sad...sad..
when i gone down from the ar...
my tears just can't stop...
burst out by itself..
i couldn't control it...
mum started her tears too..
every one's eyes are red when they saw us..
i couldn't even have a glance on u when i first reached there...
i dun have such brave...
dunno what to do when i reached there...
tears came out by itself...
i will never forget the scene..
try to have some jokes with cousin..
tried not to be so sad...
we had burnt a lot of money...car with driver... motor..
we know u like to have a motor then...
we sent u a car n a driver since that u dunno how to drive...
we will burn more money to u ..
if it's not enough...
just hope u live comfortable at there...
i was so touched when ur frens came to see u...
so many frens that u got...
u have got respect from so many.....
which i had never seen....
i'm glad for that...
bin told me that grandma cried once only after u passed away...
u can see how strong she was..
not like us...
cried until like no body...
myself also dun wish for that...
i was impressed by grandma..
it's such barve that she could be....
there's only left one night b4 we buried u..

finally...he has gone forever...

mmm...
grandpa...
u still leave us in the end...
what else can we hope for...
just hope u won't need to suffer...
u leave us at around 3.30pm..
when uncle just arrived at here...
relative called...
ur blood pressure decrease until 25...
doctor anounced that there was no hope already....
i finally can't stand it...
cried in front my mum...
we both cried together...
it's so sad from my heart...
it's been a long time i haven't cried...
haiz....
no mood for the piano class n tuition...
my heart beated so fast when the tuiton end...
wondering what it will be when i go to see u..
no mood for the whole lesson...
when i reached home...
just found out that i no need to face u tonight...
so sad...
think bout that...
i will never forget what's the feeling...
hope u r doing well in heaven..
i will miss u very very very much..

grandpa.....i will always love u...

i will never know what will happen in the future...
uncle just call mum..
telling her that grandpa sickness is getting more serious...
maybe he will leave us in any time...
he was in coma just now...
doctor had been called to the house...
but what can we do?
we have our own lifes to go on...
though we feel sad bout that...
uncle suggest that if grandpa need to be hospitalized again, maybe he will not send him in...
for not to see him suffer so much again...
it's so hurt in our heart when seeing him getting thinner and thinner ..
nothing else that we can do to save him...
maybe he just can't make it for few months more...
though he likes to watch football...
now..
he has no inerest with it...
just lying on the tilam and sleep...
he can't even speak properly to us...
suffer so much that we can't imagine...
always complain on the pain in his body...
he even can't sleep at night...must have someone to accompany him every night...
grandma sacrifice lot ...
dunno what else we can do..
ai....
maybe i will broke down if he leaves us...
i just love him so much...
n we all do love him very much...
we will just never get to see our funny grandpa again...
just hope that i can do something for him......
the fun that we used to have...
now is just the memory...
every time i see him in his sickness..
my eyes will getting wet...
but i can't cry in front my relatives..
i don't think they can stand it if i really cry out loud...
ai.....
what's the life for to be so ....
ai....................
what will going to happen then....
after today.......

huh.....
what a week......
frens......studies....
everything....
changed.......
frens driving apart......
always feel like losing something,....
but just dunno how to tell the feeling.....
tension starts whenever teachers start teaching.....
always wondering what's the meaning of the new terms which that teach....
i think i can understand....
but just couldn't get use to the changes of languages....
some frens r not in same class....
just couldn't get myself to new frens....like the past....
maybe it's just the timing problems....
huh.......
when will this buzy study life will finish....
maybe i 'm looking forward to it..
maybe just bcux i couldn't manage to lost any frens o things anymore....
huh.......
lately just found out that my some part of my memories has been wiped out of my brain....
oh god~!!!!
what am i supose to do....
mm...
maybe i will just need to turn my memories in words...
scare......
i'm scare my memories will just gone like that.....
no way!!!!
mmm...
need time to think bout it n manage.....

hurray!!! what a great holiday trip!!!

qin ask me whether i'm happy o not for the trip...
he said i was not enjoed at all...
n i was just very peace during the trip....
hehehe..
god!!!
sure it's happy!!!!
remember that day we go for snorkelling....then went to the marine park...
hahahahhah...
i was the first to jump into the sea from such height!!!
hahahah!!!!
such great feeling!!!
it's been a long time haven't feel like that!!!
hope to do it again!!!
dunno when i can get that courage again!!!
hahaha!!!
really wish to jump into mother earth again!!!
wow!!!!!
that trip....
i enjoyed myself alone under the sun.....
just me ....
lying under the sun....
maybe other thinks that i'm not happy...
but it's just that i like to be alone...
to enjoy the scnery.....enjoy the sun light....enjoy the sea....
enjoy everything round me!!!
sometimes just think that they r too noisy for me...
any way...
that's my first time go out with them last four days.....
first time feeling so peace in mind...
that's so many first time.....

a new boy

mmm... today get to know a cute boy...
just 11...
already got gf....
hehhe...
speak lke a adult....
oo.
he told me that many grls give him love letters o....
god!!!!
he is only 11 yers old...
mmm..
he said he like to play basketball...
having a competition soon...
wish him good luck o....
oh!!!though he is so small..
his hp is high tech than mine...
hehe...
he told me that he used his ang pau to buy it...
looking forward to the love letters that he's going to bring for me to have a look...
hhehe...
wondering what's in the mind of such little girls n boy...
heheh..
well...
nice to meet him...
wish him good luck in every thing o....